GAINING A CALM MIND

I knew sleep was a necessity, but for me it was a major trigger.

I have been having sleep issues ever since I was diagnosed with my depression.  Right now in the present, it is a chore to fall asleep.  Some nights I feel like a child who doesn't want to go to sleep.  With my history of depression and domestic violence.  I had to take prescription sleep medication to get negative thoughts from haunting me at night. As I recovered my sleep got better.   During therapy sessions, I learned guided imagery that put me in happy places that I enjoyed. With the internet and utube, their are many ways to access sleep exercise,positive images and sleep music.

Since I got diagnosed with cancer, I have had unhealthy thoughts that I will not make it to the morning.  Of course it is very scary, but yet I took many deep breaths and with all the past skills of recovery, it is lessening.  

I am going to treat this like a regular job

1st:  During my awake hours, I knew these thoughts were natural because of my diagnosis.  I belong to an online survivers group, and people share how a poor soul they knew succumbed  to the disease.

2nd: With anxiety these thoughts can get out of control in our heads. 

3rd:  Sometimes with every ache and pain I get, I start thinking it's returned.  I did develop some minor heart, lung and thyroid issues which did contribute to my negative thinking.

One reason I started sharing my story is to try and rid myself of negative thoughts.  I find acknowledging them and accepting them can clear the mind at least for a day. I try and stick to a sleep schedule.  I still have to listen to relaxing music on headphones.  Right now it's Disney piano music.  If I find I can't sleep after a couple of hours, I get up have some herbal tea and maybe a healthy snack if  needed.  This is easier for me because I'm retired and don't have to worry about getting up early in the am.  

Patience is a big part of recovery.  Knowing it's not going to come overnight.  Giving ourselves a little slack.    The term (One step forward and two steps back)  can be very real for me.

FEAR NOT MY THOUGHTS.

We don't have to control our thoughts. 

We just have to stop letting them control us.

Depression and anxiety for me go hand in hand.   Along with depression, I am diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder.  Now that my depression is stable, I can understand my anxiety more.  I had to have treatment for both.  Some of my worry led to my depression.  With my anxiety I had excessive worry.  I always thought of the worst case scenario.  Some of my thoughts became obsessive and I couldn't stop them.  It was very crippling.  These thoughts would led to helplessness and hopelessness, which in turn would lead to my emotional pain and my thoughts of suicide.

Recovery for me always comes back to acceptance.  Once I gained acceptance of my circumstances and not question why, I was able to start healing.  

When I got diagnosed with breast cancer, my thoughts were how and why?  There was no genetic connection.  Was it something I did in my past, my diet?  Again I had to accept it so I could go through treatment.  My treatment went well, I was 100% clear of disease after chemotherapy.  Radiation came to get any microscopic cells.  

After tx, however recovery isn't over, my anxiety seemed to get worse.  I started to think about my own mortality.  This is where I started thinking about my past and how some of it wasn't so pleasant.  I was also dealing with some residual effects of tx.  I developed mild cardiomyopathy and asthma from the radiation. My body was healing again from another trauma.  Again I'm glad to be alive.   I had to start using all my past tools to stay alive.

ACCEPTANCE OF LIFE IS THE ONLY WAY TO STAY POSITIVE.

 The first year of  my cancer treatment, I was actually kind of numb.  The doctors tell you about all the possible side effects that can possible happen, and I wondered how my body would  handle it all. 

 I was stable with my depression, I was now remarried and recently got a promotion at work.  I was grateful for all the recovery I had, because it made me that much stronger to deal with another monster in my life.  I took leave from work and started chemotherapy in April of 2021.  August had a lumpectomy and started Radiation in October.  I was finished with TX in November of that year.   During one of my radiation appointments tears started running down my face and my doctor put in for a referral for a cancer psychologist.   It did take a couple months to get an appointment, but I went, listened and shared because my body was healing physically as well as emotionally again. 

I wasn't depressed. I didn't want to die, but somehow I frequently thought I would and it haunted me during the night.  I started my positive imagery again and utilized relaxing music.  I did have to start taking prescription sleep medication,and went through 2 to 3 to find the right one. In March of the next year, I got a " no evidence of disease"  So far I beat it.  I was grateful! The recovery now continues as my body and soul heal again.

EMBRACING THE PAST, HELPS THE PRESENT.

"Your stronger than you ever realized, without a doubt."

For the last 15 years, I was now stable with my depression.  I was still taking medication, but my coping skills got me to the point where psychiatrist intervention wasn't needed.  I was managing my own home and full- time job.  I was actually getting be to know myself.

March of 2021, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I want to say my world started crumbling again, but for some reason I didn't feel alone and isolated like I had in the past when bad news came.  I had the support of my new spouse, my adult children, family and even friends. Being emotionally healthy helped me more than I realized.

I was still in shock at the thought.  For so many years in my life, my emotional pain crippled my will to live.  I was now faced with a disease that could kill me, and I wanted it gone!  I listened intently to my doctor's because I wanted to live! 

My particular kind was grade 3 and spread to lymph nodes.  Doctor's said with the present treatment, it would be a very high cure rate.  I started treatment that next month.  Chemotherapy, surgery and then radiation.  I ended treatment in November with 100% clear results.  Being grateful was an understatement.  My body beat it.  This was another kind of recovery for me now.  My body had been through another traumatic event both physically and emotionally.   Now is my journey of learning another new normal.

GAINING UNDERSTANDING.

   It's possible not to just survive, but to thrive and to live a healthy, wonderful life again.  

   

My last inpatient stay for my depression was in 2006.  A year before I had gotten the courage to leave my abuser, and ended up filing for divorce.  I was empowered by my decision, but the process isn't always easy.  The stress of it all lead to some unhealthy thinking.   Depression isn't always about wanting to end your life, it is sometimes  wanting the emotional pain to stop.

After spending five days in the hospital, I was set up with an intensive outpatient program. It was two weeks from 9- 3 everyday.  I gained insight on how my childhood led to some of my decisions.  I would say my upbringing was routinely normal.  I was the oldest of three brothers, so I took on a role as caretaker as an adult.  I was easily influenced by others.  I started gaining some acceptance  and understanding into my life choices.   While I was in the hospital  I also got introduced to clubhouse models.

"A clubhouse model is a community based program that helps people with mental illness rejoin society and maintain their place in it." 

There is no counseling that goes on. Staff and members work together to run programs.  I was able to get some transitional employment, since I had to resign from my job. I also received academic instruction for a one year medical certificate program.  I was able to gain some stability with my mental illness and gain some full-time employment.  I was discharged from seeing psychiatrists regularly. After attending Al-Anon for about 10 years, I was able to forgive my abuser and have a healthier relationship with my children.

All my recovery tools helped as three years ago I finished treatment for stage 3 breast cancer.  I really wanted to finally live.

COMING OUT of CRAZINESS

 

"Believe you can, and your halfway there"--Theodore Roosevelt.

   As I mentioned in an earlier post that Al-Anon  (a world wide fellowship that offers a program of recovery for the families and friends of alcoholics whether they are sober or active.)   ended up giving me great hope and serenity.  It wasn't overnight, but consistency in attending their meeting and getting involved eased my craziness.

My s/o, was sober but very angry and not very supportive of my mental health diagnosis. I wasn't looking for perfection but knew the way we were interacting with each other was unhealthy.  We had moved from Massachusetts to the Carolina's,  a year prior which put more strain on both of us.  A neighbor introduced me to Al-Anon.  I was able to find some meetings that I could bring my children to.  I also had a second neighbor that I confided in and started attending a presbyterian church.  My feelings of hopelessness started to subside.  

This was also the first time I got introduced to Domestic violence shelters and programs. Without going into details, my children and I went to a shelter one night to escape potential violence.  Even though the staff wanted me to stay, I went home the next day.  I ended up calling my husband who apologized.  

So starts the cycle.  We as victims really want to believe our abuser will change. For awhile it is calm then when any kind of stressor hits, the cycle starts again. Recovery and healing is a journey, but everyone involved has to want it for themselves.  

Both recovery groups gave me a sense of hope, because I knew everyone attending had similar issues.  I didn't get advice, but I started to gain strength and courage.  

I am recovering from breast cancer treatment I had three years ago.   Doing all this is helping me to heal again.  So much more to discuss.

THE START of HOPE

 

It's ok to take medication.  It's ok to need therapy.  

Our body and mind make us who we are.

  Just like we take medication for any physical ailment, it is just as important for our brain. Most mental illnesses are chemical imbalances or changes in the brain.  That's what makes mental illness so complicated and lifelong.

 This is where the stigma came for me.  I started feeling better so I cut down on my medication.  My thoughts were" I'm back to normal, I'm ok now so I can stop this medication".  Understanding is very important. This kind of thinking landed me in the hospital again.  Also it can take time to find the right medication.  It was very important for me to tell my doctor about any symptoms and keep my appointments.  

 My diagnosis is depression and anxiety. My recovery here was realizing that I needed both medication and therapy.  Medication gave me more energy, and focus.  Therapy helped me learn skills and understand my feelings.