PURPOSE DOESN'T MEAN SUCCESS

 "A Dead end is just a good place to turn around"

I think right now,  my purpose in life is to stay alive. I'm coming up on my forth year of my breast cancer diagnosis. I remember it like yesterday.  One of the hardest aspects of my life was finding a new normal.  I went from working full time to a having to retire.  

The past 30 + years as I struggled with depression and anxiety, my purpose was also to stay alive. I had to raise my children, make sure we were all safe and have some fun now and then.

 My daughter sent me a video called "Why having a purpose in life is bullshit".* by Kate Forster.  In it she talked about her friend that went through cancer and the advice she gave her.  

I really identified.  I don't need to have a big purpose right now.  If I want to write, I can do write.  If I want to do a thousand piece puzzle I can do that.  If I don't have any plans I sometimes just stay in my pajamas all day.  ( I still get dressed if I have to go out.). 

I do wonder if my depression is kicking up when I just have those days when I don't have any motivation at all.  I don't feel suicidal, just no energy.  I have come to the conclusion that it is both.  I have developed some residual effects from cancer treatments, and also I have some restrictions from my mental health issues.  I guess I'm letting myself off the hook, and giving myself a break.  The peace is wonderful and freeing.  Good for my mental health.

SIDE NOTE:

For those who read this or have read my other pieces Thank You.  It's been about a couple weeks since I posted.  Occasionally my physical health gets in the way.  Most of the time I find sharing and writing has helped me.  When it seems like a chore I take time off.

*https://www.kateforster.com

GUARDIAN OF LIFE

"Taking care of yourself is part of taking care of others" Unknown

 I'm realizing more and more as I have started this blog, that recovery is in every aspect of my life. For the past year I've had to assist my husband in some daily living skills. I had to skip a week with my posts because my husband went into the hospital.  He went to rehab after spending 5 days inpatient for some respiratory distress. He returned home February 1st.

For me, the more recovery I have the more positive I am when life happens.  Since I am retired I was able to go to the hospital daily and sit with my loved one.  This was a different schedule for me.  I had to make sure I was still taking care of myself.  Making sure I got enough rest when I went home and eating when I got hungry.  With my mental health history, I had to make sure I did not get emotional burned out.  

With strong recovery in my life I feel I have gotten to know my body physically and emotionally.  Im not even sure when it happened.  I just wake up one day and all the work I had done was finally paying off.  I try not to panic when life throws a curve ball at me or my family.  I still struggle, but staying positive is easier if you practice it every day. There is always something I can be grateful for.

CHOOSING GRATITUDE

"When we are grateful, fear disappears and abundance appears" Anthony Robbins.

When I think about the date today, I haven't always been so calm and serene.  Thirty six years ago is when I got married for the first time.  Because of how the marriage ended and many unacceptable issues that happened,  it was a major trigger for years.  I would have different emotional reactions for years.  Today it is just another day.

When I have an anxiety or panic attacks, my heart can start racing and it feels like something is crawling inside my body.  With continued recovery I was able to forgive myself and also the partner that I left.  My emotional responses improved.  Looking back it took talking with professionals , joining and getting involved in support and getting rid of the shame.  

In many ways, I had to change some of my thinking.  I actually became grateful.  Grateful for the lessons I've learned and am learning.   I really tried to have a positive attitude when I got diagnosed with breast cancer.  All my recovery skills really helped me.  Even though it was an aggressive kind, I didn't panic. The doctor's said it was caught early and with the newest treatment, it had a high success rate.  

GAINING A CALM MIND

I knew sleep was a necessity, but for me it was a major trigger.

I have been having sleep issues ever since I was diagnosed with my depression.  Right now in the present, it is a chore to fall asleep.  Some nights I feel like a child who doesn't want to go to sleep.  With my history of depression and domestic violence.  I had to take prescription sleep medication to get negative thoughts from haunting me at night. As I recovered my sleep got better.   During therapy sessions, I learned guided imagery that put me in happy places that I enjoyed. With the internet and utube, their are many ways to access sleep exercise,positive images and sleep music.

Since I got diagnosed with cancer, I have had unhealthy thoughts that I will not make it to the morning.  Of course it is very scary, but yet I took many deep breaths and with all the past skills of recovery, it is lessening.  

I am going to treat this like a regular job

1st:  During my awake hours, I knew these thoughts were natural because of my diagnosis.  I belong to an online survivers group, and people share how a poor soul they knew succumbed  to the disease.

2nd: With anxiety these thoughts can get out of control in our heads. 

3rd:  Sometimes with every ache and pain I get, I start thinking it's returned.  I did develop some minor heart, lung and thyroid issues which did contribute to my negative thinking.

One reason I started sharing my story is to try and rid myself of negative thoughts.  I find acknowledging them and accepting them can clear the mind at least for a day. I try and stick to a sleep schedule.  I still have to listen to relaxing music on headphones.  Right now it's Disney piano music.  If I find I can't sleep after a couple of hours, I get up have some herbal tea and maybe a healthy snack if  needed.  This is easier for me because I'm retired and don't have to worry about getting up early in the am.  

Patience is a big part of recovery.  Knowing it's not going to come overnight.  Giving ourselves a little slack.    The term (One step forward and two steps back)  can be very real for me.

FEAR NOT MY THOUGHTS.

We don't have to control our thoughts. 

We just have to stop letting them control us.

Depression and anxiety for me go hand in hand.   Along with depression, I am diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder.  Now that my depression is stable, I can understand my anxiety more.  I had to have treatment for both.  Some of my worry led to my depression.  With my anxiety I had excessive worry.  I always thought of the worst case scenario.  Some of my thoughts became obsessive and I couldn't stop them.  It was very crippling.  These thoughts would led to helplessness and hopelessness, which in turn would lead to my emotional pain and my thoughts of suicide.

Recovery for me always comes back to acceptance.  Once I gained acceptance of my circumstances and not question why, I was able to start healing.  

When I got diagnosed with breast cancer, my thoughts were how and why?  There was no genetic connection.  Was it something I did in my past, my diet?  Again I had to accept it so I could go through treatment.  My treatment went well, I was 100% clear of disease after chemotherapy.  Radiation came to get any microscopic cells.  

After tx, however recovery isn't over, my anxiety seemed to get worse.  I started to think about my own mortality.  This is where I started thinking about my past and how some of it wasn't so pleasant.  I was also dealing with some residual effects of tx.  I developed mild cardiomyopathy and asthma from the radiation. My body was healing again from another trauma.  Again I'm glad to be alive.   I had to start using all my past tools to stay alive.

ACCEPTANCE OF LIFE IS THE ONLY WAY TO STAY POSITIVE.

 The first year of  my cancer treatment, I was actually kind of numb.  The doctors tell you about all the possible side effects that can possible happen, and I wondered how my body would  handle it all. 

 I was stable with my depression, I was now remarried and recently got a promotion at work.  I was grateful for all the recovery I had, because it made me that much stronger to deal with another monster in my life.  I took leave from work and started chemotherapy in April of 2021.  August had a lumpectomy and started Radiation in October.  I was finished with TX in November of that year.   During one of my radiation appointments tears started running down my face and my doctor put in for a referral for a cancer psychologist.   It did take a couple months to get an appointment, but I went, listened and shared because my body was healing physically as well as emotionally again. 

I wasn't depressed. I didn't want to die, but somehow I frequently thought I would and it haunted me during the night.  I started my positive imagery again and utilized relaxing music.  I did have to start taking prescription sleep medication,and went through 2 to 3 to find the right one. In March of the next year, I got a " no evidence of disease"  So far I beat it.  I was grateful! The recovery now continues as my body and soul heal again.

EMBRACING THE PAST, HELPS THE PRESENT.

"Your stronger than you ever realized, without a doubt."

For the last 15 years, I was now stable with my depression.  I was still taking medication, but my coping skills got me to the point where psychiatrist intervention wasn't needed.  I was managing my own home and full- time job.  I was actually getting be to know myself.

March of 2021, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I want to say my world started crumbling again, but for some reason I didn't feel alone and isolated like I had in the past when bad news came.  I had the support of my new spouse, my adult children, family and even friends. Being emotionally healthy helped me more than I realized.

I was still in shock at the thought.  For so many years in my life, my emotional pain crippled my will to live.  I was now faced with a disease that could kill me, and I wanted it gone!  I listened intently to my doctor's because I wanted to live! 

My particular kind was grade 3 and spread to lymph nodes.  Doctor's said with the present treatment, it would be a very high cure rate.  I started treatment that next month.  Chemotherapy, surgery and then radiation.  I ended treatment in November with 100% clear results.  Being grateful was an understatement.  My body beat it.  This was another kind of recovery for me now.  My body had been through another traumatic event both physically and emotionally.   Now is my journey of learning another new normal.